Be true to yourself by loosing yourself

I've been thinking about the phrase, "be true to yourself." It means to act in accordance with who you are and what you believe; to not care about what anyone else thinks- just be YOU. 

I've also been thinking about how I can be true to myself without becoming over-focused on myself. In a day of selfies and status updates, it's easy to get caught up in thinking everyone is dying to know everything about us (or our thoughts via blogging....guilty!)

Here's what I'm learning lately: 

Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion.  When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large.  But when we focus on others, our world expands.  Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection - or compassionate action.

Daniel Goleman

Before I got married I spent a summer in chimaltenago, Guatemala. While there, I slept on a box spring with no mattress, got lice in my hair from helping in an orphanage, became super sick from the unclean water, and feared for my life on four different occasions 

1. a group of men followed me home one night and cat called at my window for an hour

2.  a mentally distressed man tried to throw a giant rock at the windshield of my car on the freeway

3. a kind passerby warned our group of a gang ahead robbing people at gunpoint

4. a 15-year-old boy driving the city bus blew the transmission and stopped the bus just before going off a cliff

Basically, my time in Guatemala was absolutely terrifying :).  Just kidding, there were some really good experiences too. 

I discovered a couple of things through service to others (I was there with the organization HELP International and spent my time in a variety of service projects). First of all, I realized my petty life problems are insignificant compared to other problems in our world. Also, life isn't fair. By both controllable but largely uncontrollable circumstances, we all have hard things to deal with. It feels like some people really seem to be worse off though. I learned serving people makes me love people and loving people makes it easier to love life. 

Mahatma Gandhi said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." 

Jesus said it too,  "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:25 

These experiences and lessons in Guatemala helped me "be true to myself" because they shaped who I am, who I hope to become, what I believe, and how I view the world.

Upon returning home from Guatemala, I immediately got myself hitched. I figured that since I miraculously made it home alive, I better fast track the marriage and kids part of life before getting any more ideas about traveling to another third world county. 

Well, let me tell you- there is nothing quite like marriage to make one aware of their own flaws, stubborn thinking, and single focused view on life. Joining my life with someone who has grown up with different ideas and ways of doing things requires me to evaluate myself on a daily basis. It requires me to admit at times that I am wrong. It requires me to face the fact that who I am and how I think could truly benefit from a little (ok, a lot) of work to become better! There are things about myself that I have changed for the better these past seven years that I entirely credit to Steve's excellent example. There are things I'm still working on. Marriage requires loosing oneself in the sense of making one aware of and giving up their bad habits. In this case, again- the best way to find yourself (or perfect yourself) is to lose yourself in the service of others  (in this case, serving, committing to, and loving a spouse). 

About five years into marriage, I all of the sudden had this extremely strong desire to have a baby. Despite it being THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!!! (note the caps and three exclamation points) two years after that insanely challenging but breathtakingly beautiful baby girl entered my life, I had the desire to do it all again.  Now here I am, awake in the wee hours of the night because my sleep patterns will never be the same after these two  babies of mine. 

When it’s said you will find yourself by loosing yourself to serving others- boy is that true with motherhood. There are times when I really do feel like I'm literally loosing myself- when I've spent the whole day taking care of other people and I think (or cry) to myself- Wait! What about me!? When do I get to sleep, or get a shower in, or just have a minute to myself! But then I look at my beautiful children and I cry even harder (happy tears) at how much I love them, at how enriched my life is because of them, and how much my heart has increased in its capacity to feel. I may have lost my free time, but in return, I've found a much deeper meaning to my life.  I’m kind of blown away by the trust and responsibility put in my hands every time I have a baby. 

So ironically, I have found, if I want to be true to myself- I need to stop focusing on myself. In loosing myself in service to others I learn far more about myself and my purpose in this world than I do in a life only focused on me. I say this all- but it's something I'm still working on daily. I really love taking care of myself too. And I’ve recognized that to effectively serve other people, I need to take care of myself first. But there’s a balance!!!! Working on finding that which is why I’m writing this! :) 

Now time to catch some zzzzs before baby boy decides he's hungry again!